Reconciliation

  Stricture - a narrowing of a canal in the body.   
  Anastamosis - Surgically attaching two parts together through either hand-sewn or stapling techniques.  


"Some days I question my decision- then I remember that I'd probably be underground had I not made this one..."   -Allison Siddle   (No Colon and Still Rollin' Facebook Group)

I was originally going to write this week about pouchitis, j-pouch tips, and working out with a j-pouch, but yesterday another topic jumped out and waylaid me seemingly out of the blue.  So here it goes...

I've tried really hard to maintain a positive, optimistic outlook throughout everything I have been through, and it has helped me to really take all the obstacles I've had to face in stride.  Plus, it's been like some big journey, the destination of which, or the "prize" at the end, is supposedly a well-functioning digestive system, which is the dream that we are all aspiring to.  So here I am, seven months out from takedown, and shit's starting to get real.  The "honeymoon" phase has worn off, and I'm learning what my new baseline looks like.  What life with a j-pouch really means, day in and day out.  The bottom line is that I'm tired of feeling that any part of my life is still dictated by my gut.  It's been eighteen years, the last three of which have been particularly trying, and I just feel like things should be easier by now.

Somewhere along the line, I started anthropomorphising my j-pouch by referring to it as "he" and what "J" likes or doesn't like.  So one of the most difficult things for me to reconcile when it comes to j-pouch life is that while one of my big fitness goals has been about getting cut, the healthy diet that it would take to accomplish that goal (whole grains, lots of veggies, low-carb, low-fat, high-fiber, etc.) is the exact opposite of what J likes, which means the diet that J likes (carbs, fats, no veggies, low-fiber) is pretty unhealthy.

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For those of you wondering about what a j-pouch-friendly diet looks like seven months out, here is the rundown...

Foods I totally avoid:  dark chocolate, whey protein, peppers or anything spicy.  (These foods will have me living in a world of regret for a good 6+ hours if I have even a small amount.  The dark chocolate and whey will greatly increase frequency, and spicy foods will cause hellish butt burn.)

Foods I eat in very small amounts:  nuts, seeds, raw veggies, whole grains.  (These foods will cause increased frequency if I have more than a few bites.)

Foods I eat in moderation:  milk chocolate, cooked veggies, beans.  (These foods are okay as long as I don't go overboard.)

Foods I'm surprised I don't have to moderate: popcorn, carbonated beverages, alcohol, sugar, caffeine, fried foods, soy, casein protein.  (These foods don't seem to affect me much at all.)

Foods that seem to keep J happy:  bananas, rice, creamy peanut butter, potatoes, cheese, marshmallows, pretzels, toast/bread, yogurt.  (These foods can lower water content, slow down digestion, and reduce bathroom trips.)

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This makes it practically impossible to eat in a way that would be most beneficial for dropping fat, unless I want to spend all day in the bathroom.  I've been waiting for my j-pouch to mature enough to handle a super healthy diet, but every time I try to eat a diet based mostly on lean protein and veggies, J revolts.  I had been trying (again) to make this diet work for the last couple of weeks, and I ended up nothing but frustrated, disappointed, and depressed as I dealt with increased frequency, difficulty emptying, and almost constant anal pressure, which made it very difficult to motivate myself to work out.  In fact, what I was experiencing much resembled the symptoms of a stricture at the anastamosis site between the j-pouch and anal canal.  (More on this later.)  Turns out everything's fine up there - I just need to adjust my eating habits.  But dealing with these symptoms for enough hours, days, weeks in a row can really wear on a person.... And it was yesterday morning that the frustration from living like this collided with my frustration from my obvious lack of progress with my cutting goals (i.e. no loss of pounds, inches, or body fat percentage) and the fallout from that collision caused a minor meltdown.

After a good cry and processing of these emotions, the realization that I came to yesterday is that if I set my dietary and fitness goals around something that my specific health situation will constantly be getting in the way of, I will continue to be nothing but frustrated and disappointed as the two opposing agendas wage war in my gut.  Although I would still love to see myself cut, I cannot eat a diet that causes such gastric distress and expect good results.  (I've eaten no veggies for the last couple days, and all those annoying symptoms have disappeared.)  It was a pretty difficult conclusion to come to, but I figure that the only way to see real progress towards my goals and feel successful is to change my goals.  So at this point I am attempting to change my perspective.  Instead of focusing on dropping body fat, which is primarily accomplished through diet, my goals need to be less about how much I weigh and what I look like and more about about what I can do and accomplish.  Originally I was pretty upset over this since it seemed like my fitness goals were such a big part of my identity, but I need to keep reminding myself that I can still be athletic without such a huge focus on cutting.  In all honesty, this is probably a much healthier psychological outlook anyway.  My fitness plan now will now incorporate whatever makes me feel good and healthy, not what will make me look the way I want, and I will measure my progress by how much I can lift, how far I can run, how many laps I can swim, and how fast I can recover.  This change is one that will still take time to reconcile, especially since I can get quite determined and competitive when I set my mind to something, but I think it's a direction in which I will be able to find much greater success.

When I explained this all to my manfriend in the midst of my cry episode, he mentioned that it sounded like I was still grieving.  Once I thought about it, I realized he was right.  The day before yesterday I broke down and cried at the gym when it hit me out of the blue (again) that I will never have a normally-functioning digestive system in my life.  Ever.  This is something I can never go back from.  I've mostly taken everything in stride, but when it hits me like that out of nowhere, it's kind of hard to wrap my brain around.   Right now as things finish settling in, it's going to be all about learning (and accepting) what my new normal looks like.  Of course there will be some successes and some losses that I will have to celebrate and grieve for as I go.  However, I still have many things to be thankful for, and most importantly, I'm still alive.  Although I may be fighting in a slightly different direction now, I'm still fighting for it.

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